"Intelligence plus character--that is the goal of true education"---MLK
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Sunday, June 10, 2007
Today was sort of just Sunday. I got my rest that people should always get on Sunday or should at least. I took a much needed nap---that word is so preschool---and then talked on the phone a little bit. I didn't watch much television. Wasn't much on really. My mom didn't go to work which is good because my brothers aren't my problem anymore but its also bad because she's freaking out about things that don't really need the freak out. She's going through some things and I'd much rather let her vent about the dumb instead of go crazy over the smart.
Tomorrow I have this BIG interview and I'm so nervous about it. I mean I'm also excited but i'm still really nervous. I hope that I don't look stupid. I hope I don't sound stupid. I hope he doesn't think I'm werid or something like that. I mean I dunno. I just hope that everything goes good. Its my first really big interview for Teen Zone (online magazine I edit...tzomag.com) and I just want to represent everyone really well. I think I always represent myself and others really well so hopefully this time it won't be any different.
I'm so bored on the weekends all I ever want to do is go to work because its the best thing in my life right now. I mean yeah I've got my health, my family, my friends, but sometimes you need that extra umph...you know? And my job is that. I'm so happy there. I get along with everyone and everyone gets along with me. I can't imagine working anywhere else. I feel so lucky to have found a job like this.
Well, I'm done talking so I think I'll go to bed and get ready for my big day tomorrow. Wish me luck, journal! MUAH!!!
Current mood:  nervous Current music: Beyonce'~~~Resentment
Werid! I haven't been on here in soooooo long its crazy. I was reading over all my old journals and I was like "damn! I was screwed up!" I'm 19 years old now going to Community College as an English major. I graduated HIgh school with a 3.3. I got over that damn Brandon. Shan still get on my nerves. Cate and Britt are still my niggas. I'm not a virgin anymore. Parents still bug the shit out of me. I was in a relationship for almost a year and a half and it was shitty. He treated me bad. I was stupid for thinking he would change. The whole shebang! My life now?
Well, I have a really good job that I love soo soo much. I have some new friends. But I'm still stuck in an unhappy place. I don't know why. Its like I have a cloud hovering over me that I just can't get away from me. Its gray, too! But i think its a phase i'm going through and i'll be okay overtime.
I'm going to start posting now. this is a really cool site i dunno why i stopped writing in here. Well i'm off to bed now...but later on you'll hear from me again...Bye!
P.S I still talk to that internet guy. We still haven't met...lol!
Current mood:  awake Current music: Joss Stone
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Today so far as been a drag. I had community service, CDI, whatever the hell they calling it now and only like 12 people came. It was cool though I worked at this new place and the chick was cool. I think I might wanna work there again. I ate lunch at the hospital which was cool. That food be bangin'. I'm all greedy!!LOL!!!!
When I got home my parents wasn't there and my dumbass forgot to take my key so I went to Shan's house to wait. She irked me a little but you know she always does so ain't nothing new. I asked her if she liked this boy that I like. She sayin she don't but I think she do. That's messed up to because I hate liking the same boy that my friend like. Its like if you get with the boy you can't say shit to her about 'cause she ain't gonna wanna hear it. Let's pray that she don't like him.
I walked my mom to go cash her check that was aight. I like hangin with my mom when she not irking the hell out of me. She cool people sometimes. I supposed to be going shopping tonight to get some cloths for christmas and a new coat. I hope we make it cause I ain't gonna feel like going tomorrow.
I'm tryna go to this club on christmas night to see my baby RAZ-B. I hope I make it cause if I don't Imma be pissed(Pised LOL!!!!Cate). I gotta go babysit so I'll write lata!!! HOLLA!!! ONE!!!!
Current mood: I just like the character!!! Current music: BowWow >Unleashed>Track 7
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Why does life have to be so fuckin' unfair? Why can't I just get on with the death part because right now that seems more appealing then living in my own skin. I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me and its like nails on a chalk board. I've tried everything. I've done my hair differently, I've done my hair differently, I've changed my attitude. Nothing seems to work.
I've come to terms with the fact that I've never or will ever be good enough for him. I'll never be the what he wants me to be! He's never gonna love me! I keep telling myself that one day he'll see the light. One day he'll see me and he'll realize that he loves me too. But that's just movie shit I guess. I'll never get his love even thought its the one thing I'd do anything for.
It hurts so bad to look at him. My heart hurts so bad when I see him. I just wish that he cared about me in more than a friend way. I wish that I could be that girl he thinks of when he's in bed. I wish I could be perfect enough for him. I wish I could push a button and turn into something he would like, desire, or even be attracted to. But I know that won't happen beacause I'm me. I never get what I want or deserve.
Any guy would be cool even. I mean Brandon is my uno but ,you know, I want some kind of acknowledgement that I am a girl. How I am I supposed to deal with it, him. I mean its hard. Last night I was just thinking about if I went to prom with him. It'll be so. . . .like. . . . it would mean so much to ME but to him it'll be like. . . .just him helping out a friend 'cause her dumbass can't find a date.
Still, though, After all this talking and shit and hurting and shit I still love him from the bottom of my heart. I still want him. I still get all emotional if he compliments me. I still get pretzel stomach when I see him or hear his name. How do I stop this shit before it makes me explode? I don't know. I'm so far gone and yet I don't want to go back home.
I feel like Usher and shit. I got it badder than a mo'fo. Every guy I see or hear about I compare to Brandon. Its like, Ion know, he's the only person I can see myself with even though he don't want me. I sound like a lunatic huh? I know but its just how I feel. How I am when it comes to him. It suxs really. It suxs big time. I guess you got that huh?
My friends have told me to stop doubting and changing myself beacause I don't derserve to do that to myself. I hear 'em but its hard. It makes me feel a little better when Catlin and Britt talk to me about it. I feel like they really understand where I'm coming from. I've come to the conclusion that I doubt myself because of past experiences with guys. Its nothing new, having a guy not like me as a g/f. Boys say I'm not ugly but what else could it be? Brandon says I'm not ugly but its hard to keep that open mind and self-esteem when your constanly rejected. My heart is heavy you know? From all that pain. Writting is the only way I know how to deal besides talking to Cate and Britt.
Writting is, like, talking to someone except their the paper, you know? I can be me and not be judged. My notebook loves me for me and I know because it listens. I know it cares because it doesn't laugh at my ideas or call me stupid for this situation or the next. That's why I write. I sound crazy huh? I don't care though, as long as I got my pen and my notebook and my friends I guess I'll be okay. Catlin said that the guy that's right for me could be right in front of my face. Maybe she's right. Brittany says I shouldn't have to change who I am for nobody. Maybe SHE'S right. Maybe I'M wrong for putting myself through this huh? Ion know. I gotta go clean like always. Holla at me! ONE!!!
Current mood:  Need Help. Current music: You Got Served! Soundtrack<Track 13
School!!! School!!!! I'm so tired of school!!!!! I don't wanna be here!!!! This is bullshit!!!!!!!!! Okay I'm done. LOL!!!!
You ever wonder what it would be like to not feel. Like not feel anything. Not love, hate , sadness, pity, sympathy. . .etc. Like anything. I think it would be so fuckin' bangin'. Like bitches fuckin' stress you out. Your parents fuckin' stress you out. Wouldn't it be cool to be floating around like air or something? I'on know just something I was thinking about.
Current mood:  Extremly Current music: Vanessa Carlton>Be Not Nobody>Track 5
Monday, December 20, 2004
I just got finished doing my chores. Yeah, chores. I thought I'd write in here before going back to practicing my dance for tryouts tomorrow. The dance me and one of my best friends Shandise made up is bangin'. Well, at least to me. I changed around a few things in it because you know sum stuff just flowed better than other moves. I hope I get in because I really love to dance. Wish me luck!!!!
When I got home I did my AlgebraII homework, which was hard!!! I'm like a fuckin' retard in that class. Math is just not me. Once I learned how to add,subtract,multiply,divide, and do percents I was like aight I'm done. I mean that's really all you need in life unless you really want to learn that shit. Am I wrong?
After I did my homework I started practicing my dance and I kept messing up because I'm so stressed that Imma mess up. I hate being,like, in front of people. Like presentations and shit. I get all nervous and sweaty and I start to shake. I feel like Imma throw up and cry at the same time. Is there a cure for that shit?
After I got tired of practicing I went in the living room and watched Baby Geniuses. That movie is funny as hell. I guess my parents wanted to have family time. LOL!!!! Family time my ass!!! They irk the hell out of me!!! AM I wrong?
Imma go and practice my dance somemore 'cause I don't know what else to write. I Holla!!!!
Current mood:  A little tired too!!! Current music: You Got Served! Soundtrack<Track 7
10:09AM
Okay so. . . .I made a name just now like 5 minutes ago I have no idea what to write!!! Ummmm. . . .thinking. . . .still thinking. . . .what did I have for dinner last night?. . . .oh yeah I remember. . . .still thinking. . . .Oh how 'bout I talk about how my mom and dad are trying to talk me into not going away for college. YEAH OKAY!!!!!!!!! First of all, they are fuckin' trippin' because it ain't no way I'm staying in that house any longer then I have to!!!! I clean, cook, and babysit out the ass and then everything I do ain't never good enough. I never have a free moment. I mean I can't even shit in peace, man. Its so fuckin' unfair that I do so much but I receive so little repect and appreciation.
Like last night, I wanted to go to ToysRUs to get these Harry Potter trading cards I seen(yes I like Harry Potter and I don't give 2 shits what anybody thinks about it!!) and like my dad was all "I'm tired" so I was all "get ya ass up and take me because I just babysat your bad ass kids for 5 hours straight" then he was all "okay cause you did do that". They work my fuckin' nerves!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!
(OKay I'm calm now) So in conlusion I will be going away to college wheather they fuckin' like it or not. WHEW!!! I'm glad I got that off my chest. LOL!!!!
So what else can I talk about? Well I'm a virgin and you know how most virgins are all "I'm gonna wait until I get married beacause. . .blase' blase'. . . ." Well me I'm like " As soon as I get a boyfriend I'm gonna get me SOME!!" So if any girls out there got some cute guys friends SHOut me a holla DOg!!!!!LOL!!!!!
Okay I really don't have anything to say anymore so I'll holla back!!!! ONE!!!!
Current mood:  restless Current music: Cassidy >Split Personality> Track 7
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